I just had one of those classic parenting moments. You know the kind you really regret as soon as it’s over. Three of my boys were fighting over video games (what a complete waste of time).

They weren’t even competing against each other. Two of them were offering “commentary” while the other one was playing and it eventually turned combative.

It finally escalated to a point where I had had enough and I headed into the playroom in a fit of rage. It was one of those moments when your blood boils over and you start lashing out at anyone in sight.

It’s the same feeling Elmer Fudd would get during every episode of Bugs Bunny. His face turned beat red, steam spewed from his ears and his head literally blew its top.

Yep, that was me just a few minutes ago. Thankfully, my head has been safely glued back together, for now.

If you’re like most parents then you know what I’m talking about. Our kids, like all kids, have their share of sibling conflict. Their siblings, that’s what they do. I fought constantly with my brother just older than me so I know I was the same way. It’s just a part of life.

Whether it’s a video game, food, or even because one of them happens to look at the other or breathe in their direction, sometimes they just aren’t content unless they’re fighting.

At times it’s enough to push me, or any other parent over the top. And while it’s true that kind of reaction can put an immediate end to the conflict, the conflict hasn’t really been resolved.

Yes, your kids might stop fighting but what are they going to remember about how you handled the situation? They will remember that dad or mom just got really angry and freaked out.

In other words, you’re essentially reinforcing the same behavior you were trying to stop. Kids are sponges and they absorb everything. If you freak out and yell at them, they will learn to freak out and yell at each other, and eventually their own kids. After all, “that’s how mom and dad deal with things.”

Therefore, if you want to avoid reinforcing the very behavior you’re trying to eliminate, your actions can’t teach that behavior.

Plus, how will you feel when it’s over? When I lose my cool my kids don’t want to be anywhere near me and I always feel lousy about myself.

There has to be a better way. And of course, there is. It takes hard work and self-discipline, but it’s worth it.

Try These Tips Instead

I know what you’re thinking: “But it’s so hard to stay calm in the heat of the moment.” Believe me, I hear you. I’ve lost my cool as a parent too many times to count, but like I said I always regret it later and wish I had acted differently.

So, if you can take a few seconds to think before you act and try some of these options instead, you might find much better results. They might seem very basic, but sometimes it’s the little things that make the biggest difference.

(Disclaimer: This should not be considered professional advice, but we have found these tips to work for us when we stay calm enough to use them.)

Remember to Breathe – when you’re ready to burst just remember to breathe. Taking a deep breath, or two, or three, will calm your tension and allow you to think before you react.

When we react to difficult situations without considering our actions, or their consequences, we tend to lash out or overreact. This often leads to poor choices and many times adds more fuel to the fire.

Recent research has shown that breathing exercises can help train your body to react appropriately to stress, as well as slow the production of stress hormones.

When we’re calm we tend to make better decisions, which leads to better results.

Plus, did you know that additional research has shown that angry outbursts might even increase your immediate risk of heart attack? So, the next time you’re ready to explode, take a moment to breathe.

It’s such a simple exercise, but breathing has a powerful calming effect.

Count to 10 With a Catch – Much like pausing to take a few deep breaths can help you calm down, counting to 10 will help you stop and think before you act.

These 10 seconds can have a huge effect on how you handle the problem you’re dealing with. However, there’s a catch. You need to think of something else while you count.

Some research has shown that counting to 10 actually makes things worse because you might spend those 10 seconds focusing even harder on what’s making you angry. So, think about something besides the immediate conflict on your way to 10.

You could even count your 10 favorite desserts, or something else pleasant, which can shift your focus away from the problem, how you feel about it, and most importantly how you choose to resolve it.

Take a Timeout – Parents often send their kids for a timeout when things get out of hand. Taking a timeout is a good idea for angry parents as well.

If you need more than a few deep breaths to calm down or counting to 10 just isn’t working, then perhaps you should put yourself in a timeout.

Take five or 10 minutes to deal with your emotions away from everyone else, then go back and handle the situation like an adult.

Of course, some situations have to be handled immediately, but if the circumstance allows a timeout, then it might be a good idea to take one. At least consider a timeout before handing out any consequences.

Focus on Something Positive – As previously mentioned, the worst thing you can do is focus on your problem when you’re angry.

Instead, try to focus on something positive. When you’re in the middle of a sibling battle think about something they have done that makes them, or you, happy.

Instead of going after the negative behavior, shift the focus to something positive to help diffuse the situation. Your kids might forget whatever they were arguing about and you won’t walk away angry.

It’s a win-win, and your kids will take notice. Don’t expect any compliments, but they’ll notice.

Divert Their Attention – One of the best ways to diffuse an intense situation with your kids while avoiding rage is to suggest doing something else.

For example, if one kid is bothering another – as is almost always the case with siblings – instead of bolting into the room and yelling at him or her to stop, suggest another activity.

It could be anything really.

Tell the instigator to do something he or she enjoys. Even better; if you can, offer to do something with that child. It diffuses the situation, teaches an important parenting lesson, and reinforces the love you have for your child.

Show Affection – Some kids will hate this and absolutely won’t allow it in the middle of a heated battle. However, if your child will allow you to show affection it can be a great way to calm a raging storm.

The sense of touch can be powerful and sometimes a hug, or even a soothing rub of the head is exactly what a child needs in that moment.

It takes the focus away from the anger and puts it on something a lot more positive.

Tell a Joke – Laughter is the best medicine. It won’t always work, but sometimes a good joke, a silly statement, or even some self-deprecating humor is the perfect remedy for fighting kids.

Laughter is good for your health and it’s good for ridding your emotions of anger and rage. So, tell a good joke or just make fun of yourself, or whatever it takes to get them, and you, to laugh.

Find What Works for You

Of course, this list is not the be-all-end-all of diffusing contentious situations and not every one of these tips will work in every situation, or with every child. You know your strengths and weaknesses and you know what your kids will and won’t respond to.

It takes work, and some trial-and-error, but these are much more effective ways of dealing with fighting kids than turning into a rage monster.

Oh, there’s one more thing; there will be setbacks. We’re all human and we all “lose it” from time-to-time.

I wish I could tell you we have mastered the art of remaining calm when our kids are fighting or driving us nuts in another way. But obviously, this post proves otherwise. It’s still a work in progress.

However, when we take the time to think before we act, instead of lashing out in anger, everybody wins. Now excuse me, I need to go and apologize to my kids for yelling.