I’m like every parent whose kids play sports. I want them to have the best experience possible. Of course, I also hope they get their fair share of playing time and hopefully win as many games as possible.

But mostly, I want them to be treated fairly and have an enjoyable experience.

My kids are very athletic and they typically excel at whatever sport they play. They aren’t the best at everything, but they always hold their own. Over the years, we’ve learned that one of the greatest factors, if not the greatest, in determining how much they enjoy their sports participation is the coach.

Sure, they love to win because it’s never really fun to lose. But, even when they‘ve been on losing teams they’ve still had fun when they had good coaches.

Fortunately, for the most part, our kids have been blessed with good coaches. In fact, our boys have had some very good coaches during their many years of baseball. They haven’t been perfect but they have provided a positive experience and that is the key.

It’s easy for coaches to get caught up in winning, but how they treat the kids, win or lose, is so much more important. Thankfully, our boys have been lucky enough to have coaches that don’t “punish” kids for losing. We cannot express in words how grateful we are for that.

I did a lot of research for this piece and I came across some very interesting resources that drive home the point of this article. For example, I visited competiveedge.com, which features Dr. Alan Goldberg, a sports performance consultant.

In one article, Dr. Goldberg describes several negative coaching traits that make someone a bad coach. He says: “You’re NOT a good coach if you think that your most important job as a coach is to win games…If winning is your primary goal as a coach you have significantly lost your way and as a consequence, you’ll actually win less!”

Dr. Goldberg adds: “Your mission as a coach is to teach young people and help them grow as individuals so they become better people in the world, both on and off the field.”

While our boys’ experiences have been generally very favorable, unfortunately, our daughter’s has not always been so lucky. Let’s just say she’s had some less than positive athletic experiences.

She’s already given up on softball even though she was always one of the best players on her team, largely, and sadly, because of the coaches she’s had.

Which brings me to the driving force behind this post. Our daughter is now a freshman in high school and she decided to try out for volleyball.

She played two years in middle school and had a positive experience. Her coach was positive and encouraging and gave everyone the opportunity to learn, play and get better.

I understand that high school sports are competitive and I’m all for that. However, her experience so far this season has been disappointing and her coaches’ tactics have left me scratching my head.

This is not about a parent who’s upset because his kid is always on the bench. I understand that coaches have the final say regarding playing-time and that parents’ perspective of their kids’ abilities can differ from a coach’s perspective.

I recognize that our daughter is still developing as a player and that’s why she is on the C-Team. I don’t expect her to be in every second of every game. However, when the coach suddenly decides to sit her the entire game, as a parent you wonder what’s going on.

So far, we have remained silent, because there is always that fear of retaliation when you speak up for your kid and call his or her coach out. However, after two straight games she was getting frustrated, too, so she decided to text her coach after the game to share her feelings.

She did this in a very open and honest way without any rancor. Honestly, she did a much better job than I would have. Her coach texted her back and in not so many words brushed her off and told her that they could talk at practice the next day.

So here is the part of that conversation that really stuck out. I know this because our daughter kept repeating it to me when she recounted the conversation, which took place between her, her coach and the JV coach. They told her, “We’re not here to be your friend.”

What kind of coach tells his or her player that? Even if you don’t want to be their friend, how is telling them that going to help? What message does it send? It blows my mind.

According to an article, I found on nfhs.com (National Federation of State High School Associations), “Relationships are the foundation of coaching and even though a relationship is a two-way street, it’s the coach’s responsibility to pursue a real relationship with their athletes. Coaches hold a place of respect and authority, but still feel reachable enough for athletes to open up and view their coach as a role model or mentor…A strong coach-athlete relationship is important not only for the athlete’s growth as a positive, ethical and moral person but for the team’s performance as a whole.”

They also told her she isn’t playing because she has an injury. They told her to talk to the athletic trainer. She has tried that, but the trainer doesn’t ever have time for her. Plus, apparently, she is the one that told the coach that our daughter couldn’t play because of her shoulder.

She says sometimes it’s sore but she could still play, but the coaches just keep telling her to talk to the trainer. At the same time, they still expect her to be at every practice and participate. Guess what? She has never missed practice or even been late. Other girls have, but she is on the bench.

Am I crazy, or this a no-win situation for my daughter? Again, this is not really about playing time. I wouldn’t be writing this if that were all that was going here, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

There’s more. Here’s one of my favorite moments. The girls have played only a few matches with mixed results. But here’s the thing. I can assure you that not one of these girls is out there trying to lose. They all give their best effort and they have a positive attitude.

However, in their fourth game, their coach threatened them with extra running and conditioning in practice if they lost the game. To nobody’s surprise, they lost.

From my own life experience, I know the only thing that philosophy accomplishes is to motivate kids to play not to lose because they fear the consequences. And sure enough, more often than not, losing is exactly what they do.

When you’re afraid to mess up because you’ll be punished, you play scared, you mess up, and you lose. The coach “punishes” you and then you’re even more afraid the next time out. It’s a vicious cycle.

In my research, I found another great resource for coaches and parents called the Positive Coaching Alliance (PCA). There are dozens of excellent tips on their website, positivecoach.org.

According to the PCA, “A positive approach gets the most from youth and high school athletes, which is what coaches, parents and the athletes themselves want. Staying positive also helps youth get the most out of sports.”

As I mentioned earlier, that’s exactly what I’m looking for. I want my kids to get the most out of sports that they can. Being negative with kids will never help them accomplish that goal.

I also found this on positivecoach.org: “Encouraging athletes with positive reinforcement helps them hear and heed the necessary corrections. With that winning combination of truthful, specific praise and constructive criticism, athletic performance improves and so do the chances that kids stick with sports longer and learn all the valuable life lessons inherently available through organized competition.”

The sad thing is our daughter has already said she probably won’t try out again next year. That sucks because she enjoys volleyball and she has improved a lot since she started playing. But thanks to coaches that “aren’t there to be her friend,” she might stop playing another sport she enjoys.

Unfortunately, there is still more driving this post. Here’s the other storyline and what really pushed me to write this. From day one, these coaches have treated the girls as though they are paid employees and that volleyball is their job.

In fact, get this. They actually told the girls: “This is your job. You come here to work and your payment is being able to play.” WHAT?!? I didn’t realize my daughter had a job? This statement is ridiculous!

They always preach the importance of being student/athletes and that being a student comes first, but that’s not what they practice. They act as though volleyball must be the girls’ number one priority, no matter what.

For example, they hold practices six days a week, minus game days. The girls are expected to be at every practice, even on Saturdays. You are considered late for practice if you’re not there 15 minutes before practice starts. They never finish practice at the stated end time, either.

Again, I get that the coaches are serious about winning, but if the girls are students first, then why does volleyball come before everything else?

It gets worse. This is the one that really kills me. I can’t wrap my head around it. The logic is so ridiculous I could scream. The coach has told the players they have to stay after their games end, which is usually around 6:45 to 7:00, and watch the Varsity team play so they feel supported. Really? I mean, really?

First off, the school day ends at 3:10 and the C-Team doesn’t start its games till 5:30. Then, the coaches actually expect them to stay till about 8:30 or 9:00 so the Varsity girls feel supported? The Varsity girls don’t support the C-Team while they’re sitting around waiting to play their game.

Plus, I’ve been there when the JV and Varsity teams play and trust me they have plenty of support already. The C-Team? They’re lucky to have 20 people at one of their games.

This is one of the most ridiculous things that I’ve ever experienced with my kids and sports. How are they supposed to keep up with their homework if they spend that much time on volleyball, let alone anything else?

Our daughter has many other responsibilities to take care of that are much more important than supporting the varsity team, not the least of which is doing well on her schoolwork.

She is not a paid athlete and she is not working for an employer, yet these coaches evidently feel like they control these girls’ lives, because that’s how they act. This is C-Team high school volleyball.

They are not professionals or even major collegiate athletes. They are not the property of the volleyball coaches and the coaches need to stop treating them like they are.

High school sports should be a learning, growing, enjoyable experience, but unfortunately, there are too many stories across the country of kids being the victims of terrible coaches and coaching tactics.

I wish every high school coach (or really any coach, at any level) could see this post and understand what their role was really all about. If you know a coach please share it with them. Likewise, if you know a coach who already gets it, then please congratulate him or her and share their positive story.

The more positive examples that are shared, the greater the possibility for change to occur.

Other Helpful Resources On This Topic:

National Federation of State High School Associations – for Coaches

National High School Coaches Association – About Us

Washington Interscholastic Activities Association Coaching Code of Ethics